Sleepless.

I miss the baby.
I miss the baby all the time.



-----------------------
Oh my gosh. It's positive. It's finally positive.
"Jeff, I took a pregnancy test."
"And?"
"It's positive. Do you think I should wait until morning to take another one?"
"Really?! Yeah. That would be a good idea."

"Well, looks like Ezra is going to be a big brother!"

I wonder if I should get a double stroller?
I wonder if the baby is a boy or a girl?
Boy: Henry. Otto. Orson. Are those too weird? Would having an Ezra and an Orson be too Mormon celebrity?
Girl: Lydia. Lydia Jane. Charlotte. Delaney. Madeline.
Where will we put the Pack-N-Play? Should we get a bassinet?

"When do you think we should tell our families?"
"How far along are you?"
"8 or 9 weeks. I was thinking about telling my dad and Kristen when we see them next weekend."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't."

Oh...No. No. No. No.
"Jeff. There was blood. I think I'm spotting."
"Was there a lot?"
"No."
"Well, let's just wait and see."

Heavenly Father, please let everything with the baby be okay. Please, please let everything be okay.

"Jeff, I'm still spotting. What should we do? I don't know what we should do. What's going on? We're going to lose the baby."
"We don't know that. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I don't know what we should do."
"I'll call the nurseline."

"We need to go to the emergency room."

"What are you here for?"
"Well I'm almost 11 weeks pregnant and I've been having some spotting and some light cramping."

"How far along are you? Do you know?"
"Almost 11 weeks."
"Hmm..."

"Well, the fetus is measuring at 6 weeks, 2 days. This doesn't mean that it's a miscarriage. You could have had one pregnancy and lost it and then another egg could have been fertilized, we don't know for sure right now. It looks like a miscarriage, but we don't know for sure. You'll need to call the OB/GYN on Monday and they will want to get you in as soon as possible. They're usually really good about these kind of things."

"Jeff, I lost the baby. The baby is gone."
"We don't know that."

There is so much blood. And...tissue?

"Jeff, I think I passed the baby."

I felt the rush of a thousand heartbreaks.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. This will affect you in ways you don't even understand. That was a little piece of your heart down there."

Blue like I've never known.

"It looks like it was a miscarriage. I'm very sorry. It's nothing that was your fault, and unfortunately this happens with one in four pregnancies."

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

"It's my fault. I lost the baby. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't ready for it."
"Amy, you can't think like that. It had nothing to do with you."
"But the baby was inside me. I was supposed to protect it and take care of it."
"And you did. But these things just happen sometimes."

Hallelujah.

"I want the baby back."
"I know."
"I want my baby back. I would have loved it no matter what. Even if something was wrong with it. I just want my baby back."
"I know, Amy Doll. I know you would have."

Hallelujah.

"Baby?" *pats belly* "Baby?"
"No, Buggy. Mommy had a baby in her belly, but she doesn't any more."
"Baby..."

Hallelujah.

"It's not fair. My baby is gone forever. I never got to hear its heartbeat. I don't even have a bit of its hair or something to hold onto. I'll never get to hold it."
"Yes, you will. The baby is still ours, Amy Doll."
"You don't know that. People who have stillborns or whose babies die will get to have them again, but we don't know what happens with miscarriages."
"Well, I believe in a just God. Don't you believe that Heavenly Father will make everything right in the end?"
"Yes."
"Well, then we'll get to hold our baby one day."
"You don't know that."
"You don't know that we won't."

Hallelujah.

I'm glad Ezra does so well watching me get my blood drawn every week.

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.

I wish I just had a friend here.
A best friend.

In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.

Why am I still bleeding?
Will I ever stop bleeding?
It's been over a month.

O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

Two months.
Is there no balm in Gilead?

"Your levels are back to normal."

Why am I still bleeding?
This is so annoying. I don't have a baby and my body just keeps bleeding.
Home births aren't so wonderful when they're like this.

"It takes your body a while to get back to normal. We can offer you birth control to help regulate it."
"Umm...no thanks."
Birth control makes me crazy.

"It's not fair. Why does she get to have a baby and I don't? I'm supposed to be having a baby. May would have been the perfect time for the baby. I want the baby to be back inside me. I want to feel the baby growing inside me."
"I don't know, Amy Doll. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Jeff, I think my bleeding is finally slowing down. For real this time."

I miss the baby.

i carry your heart

I want the baby back.

(i carry it in my heart)