07 December 2013

Three. Four. Three.

quote from Penelope

We were going to have a new baby in May, but I had a miscarriage.

When I called the OB/GYN, the receptionist said, "I'm so sorry. This will affect you in ways you can't even imagine. That was a little piece of your heart down there."
And there will always be a lentil sized piece of my heart missing.

I don't know enough words and am not eloquent enough to adequately express the sorrow that this event brings me, but I will tell you what I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful that I was able to go to the temple three times in the weeks before my miscarriage.
I'm grateful that I didn't have to have a D&C.
I'm grateful that the week after I miscarried, Jeff was working in the Des Moines area and we could be home.
I'm grateful to have had kind doctors and nurses.
I'm grateful that I am taking my antidepressants.
I'm grateful that the only friend I have in Des Moines is one of the sweetest, kindest Tenderheart Bears.
I'm grateful that I have had other heartbreaks, though none this devastating, to prepare me for this one.
I'm grateful for Jeff.
I'm grateful for Ezra.
I'm grateful for Winston, Bouncer, and Ned (our new bunny).
I'm grateful for the sympathy of others.
I'm grateful that I've had people disappoint me in the past so that their cold responses to this news don't affect me as severely. (This is probably also due to being medicated.)
I'm grateful for my body, the God who created it, and the miraculous way it can take care of itself.
I'm grateful for hope.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


  1. amy i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. i just love to read about your adorable family and i love that you took a moment to remind yourself of what you have to be grateful for. that is something i recently took a moment to do while in the temple and i know it really helped me out. i'll be sending lots of good vibes your way!

  2. I'm sorry, Amy. I can't imagine how hard that would be.

  3. Love you, baby girl! Always <3

  4. I love you forever. I wish I could be with you and give you all the cupcakes and give you lots and lots of hugs. You are the best person I know.

  5. I love you so much. And I agree with Christina. I wish I could just be with you and have cupcakes and donuts and hugs on hugs on hugs. But I am so glad I go to see you after everything even though it was brief. I love you AmyDoll!

  6. I don't really know you but I have experienced your same loss. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

  7. I'm sending you so much love and lots of hugs right now. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story

  8. I'm so sorry!! My heart is breaking for you.