I am exhausted these days.
This has been a season of my life where I have been asked to do much to help others. And not always directly asked, but I have given myself that responsibility. Which may be part of the problem. I can not say no. I feel unable to carry the duties and assignments and callings and souls that have been entrusted to me.
And I wish there was more relief.
This may go without saying, but my depression has been worse lately. I think it's mostly due to environmental influences and pregnancy hormones, but I still have to talk to my doctor about upping my dosage. We have another sweet soul (a girl!) joining us in November. I don't know how I will handle it all.
I still miss our other baby. The one that was here for the briefest time. I don't know if it's society saying that the little one was just tissue or my own fear of opening up because of people's disappointing reactions in the past, but one of the most heartbreaking things about that baby is that I feel I can't mourn her loss. This baby that is coming in November isn't our second child, it's our third. But most people will never know that.
I've been praying to know more about that little one. Because of experiences too sacred to share over hyperspace, I feel she is a girl. I've also learned that she must be the most selfless spirit. It would have been hard for her to come in May because of things that were happening in other people's lives. And if she would have came in May, this next baby wouldn't have been able to come in November. If she would have come in May, it would have been harder for my brother Jason to go to Idaho to see my grandma after seven long years of being apart. I haven't been able to hold her, but she has already taught me so much. I ache to go to the temple, where where I am and where she is overlap, so I can be as close as possible to her.
This is just a season. I will figure out how to better carry my load and what things are extraneous.
But it is still heavy and it is still hard.