12 July 2013
I love people. They absolutely terrify me, but I love them.
I am ridiculously sympathetic. I know that usually when people say positive qualities about themselves that they usually end up not actually possessing these qualities, but I'm pretty sure I have this one. And it makes it so hard to be mad at people for longer than a few minutes. It makes it a lot easier for me to be compassionate, but it makes it a lot harder when people don't return the compassion.
I also try to expect the best from people. This is usually a good way to become disappointed. But since I am also brutally sympathetic I frequently excuse people's less than ideal behavior. Because you really never really know how hard their life may be at the moment. Better to love than judge, right?
But what about when people consistently let you down? It's a huge trend these days to "do what makes you happy" at all costs. But what if what you're doing is hurting people who genuinely care about you? What if what you're doing is hurting me? But you're happy so it's okay? But I care about you. I expect more from you. You are better than this!
You are better than this...right?
Anyway, I know I probably tend to lean heavily on the side of oversharing when it comes to my emotions. I know not all emotions need to be shared. But if I don't share they sometimes fester and boil and puss and rot inside me. And I know that I could very well write them all down in a journal and wouldn't that just be good enough. But I also very well know I am too lazy to do that. And I really, really want people to be more genuine and open and sincere which is so hard to find in the blogging world these days because I think people are afraid or maybe just lazy because it really is hard work to acknowledge your emotions and be brave enough to share the ones that aren't positive. But I know you are better than that.
Also, this isn't me giving up on humanity. I am an eternal optimist and fatally hopeful. But this is me being realistic and saying how hard it can be to trust and hope and forgive.
And really, to quote Girls (which I have never seen, but have seen this quote floating around on the Internet), "No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, so any mean thing someone's gonna think to say to me I've already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour."
And that's probably the root of most of my problems anyway.
“A silly idea is current that good people
do not know what temptation means.
This is an obvious lie. Only those who try
to resist temptation know how strong it is...
A man who gives in to temptation after five
minutes simply does not know what it would
have been like an hour later. That is why bad
people, in one sense, know very little about
badness. They have lived a sheltered life by
always giving in.”